Blood stained&[apathetic]

 Beautiful Scenery-half sea-side, half-forest/mountains. Cute little shops everywhere, from foreign items to goth to chocolate to antiques and clothes...Lots of parks and recreation services. We are supposedly on the top ten places to live in the United States. It's often called mini-seattle, it's small but it's not a dead-end town.

It may sound a little strange, but...

The Mother, The Child, The Angry Child, The Delinquent, The Seductress. I have completely different personas. Lately I keep switching between the mother and the seductress. The seductress is troublesome because she has strangling fetishes and murder fantasies, and likes dressing up in 1920's fashions and lingerie. The mother is good- she wants to stop smoking and go vegetarian so she can have a healthy body for when she becomes pregnant. I don't know WHY I have "the mother". I've always been the workaholic money-lover who likes drugs and sex. Maybe the mother represents my woman-essence? Oh, who am I kidding? That's just not me, I think.

I'm discovering a very new side of myself that's been kind of dormant for a long time. A type of seductress, 1920's styled- very dainty and pretty and slender, this character- nothing too rich or glamorous for her- and also...a killer. This part of me I've discovered is very...well, evil would be too dramatic I guess. Conniving? Sly? devlish...and very raw. I have death fantasies- in this group I joined recently, I described a fantasy in a 1920's golden-lit apartment where I as a "caberet queen" entertain men and women sexually before strangling them in an erotic manner (with pearls, even). I've never shared these fantasies with anyone in my life- too risky, anyone would see me psychotic, you know? But, like, I'm okay with it though. Even though I should be seeking counseling or psychiatric help of a sort, trying to expell it from myself, I don't want to. And it's understandable- I've been suppressed all my life in various aspects- most of all expressing myself, by my parents. Maybe it will one day take hold of me, and I will make these fantasies a reality?

 Got away with? Nobody could have possibly guessed this, but, ...Arson. I like burning shit down. I burnt down a warehouse last time.

I've been here in eastern Washington with my dad and stepmom since last saturday, but it hasn't been great. They drink every night and it feels like I'm babysitting...it got to a really bad point the other night when he hit her, she was coming in and out of my room all hours of the night...total nightmare, I tell ya. He had called his boss to quit his job while he was drunk, and that had both of their feathers ruffled all night (he got his job back though). And I, I just wanted to go home. But that man who is my father, says harsh things to me and then tries to smother me with affection...all this time he doesn't consider my feeling, my uneasyness. I really hate it- being close to him. I don't want to have a relationship with him, I want to run away and never see him again. I feel guilty for that, but I can't help how I feel. 

But anyway, onto the subject that takes up 70% of my life- food. It has not been easy at all to fast since I left home. If anything, I'll have gained that ten pounds I've been holding off for a while...even though I have that cal free, caffeine free, sodium free and sugar free soda to drink, everyone pushes food at me all the time untill I'm sick. So when I get home, it's a weekend fast for me. I know the girls at achieving_perfection will be there to support me, I'm so glad for that or I may not have any motivation. So, wish me luck. I go home saturday.

 I feel like a ball of jello...I had sooooooooo much water today, u don't even know >.< I am lying on my stomach as I type this (at almost 12 A.M., my sleep habits are ridiculous- everyone else is asleep). So at midnight (15 min to go) I'll have 45 hours left of this fast, and then at my dads I'll have to be careful (remember? my college spring break is next week, I'll be with the asshole-father-who-thinks-I'm-a-cow). But even though he thinks that, I still can't let him know how I'm losing weight or he'll tell mother, who will tell grandmother who will tell the entire town, never mind the whole family and then it's all over for me- the fatties of my life will come together and forcefeed me *fumes* gahhhhh! 

So report- 
mostly water or sparkling water...I slipped here and there... total of the day comes to 150 cal, cause of the chips my sister shoved at me :(

How is everyone? 

45 hours to go!

The one memory of a sleepover-party , because it was the first one I had enjoyed thoroughly. There were seven of us hanging out since the afternoon. We met at the station and walked around, going into random buildings and looking. We had dinner at a Teriyaki bar. Amanda kept stealing my soda so I put soy sauce in secretly and she drank it :)

We went shopping at costco and rented some good movies. We stayed up till 4 A.M. and I slept in Rosie's arms (She's my best friend now). It was the best time I had ever had back then.

Well, mostly I spent time in my thinspo community on LJ and hunted for more thinspiration pics. I'm doing a fast until friday before I see my dad. I guess it's part of the reason I'm suddenly very motivated. He and mother are always complaining about my appearance, weight included. I downloaded some more Britney Spears...I really do like her old stuff and I feel bad for what's happening to her, she's fallen so far because of the world she stepped into. Yet, I guess that's how it is for society in general, isn't that right? Self-destructive worlds.

I didn't go to school today and I even feel bad about it. My teachers actually seem kind of worried and though I promised to work hard so I could stay at their school, I'm not really holding myself up. So, tomorrow to also help my fast, I'm going to focus fully on my work. No going to the store during break. Just water and crystal light and diet soda. Anyway, besides working, I need to wash all my clothes and start packing my clothes for spring break. 

To tell the truth, I'm scared of going to Dad's, but I can't bring myself to say anything about it. My parents already got the tickets and all the arrangements have been made. The reason is because my dad and stepmom are alcoholics and they can get scary when they're angry and drunk and they say such hurtful things...plus last time it was like babysitting, they were wandering around drunk and while I put my dad to bed, SHE was wandering around trying to get me to do stuff and she hit her head twice on the coffee table. The only good thing is that my grandparents live in that town, they'll take me home with them if I demand it...

Anyway, I should go back to chores...

Or maybe it's not even fear, just...pain that's too overwhelming and you're just trying to fight it off. You know that something has happened and ya think, "No, no no no" over and over, heart clenching and it's like you're about to scream from the intesity of painful emotions, like the realization and regret that you've just hurt someone you love, even though you did it because it had seemed right before. I just...don't know why I felt like that. Ahhh, maybe it was just a panic attack. Oh, I made a haiku about the episode in Blood Plus tonight. Saya killed Diva, finally. It seems only Saya's blood could kill Diva; not the other way around. As Diva's body started to crumble, Saya dropped her sword and rushed over to try to help Diva stop from crumbling. She was crying and it was so sad...and then after Nathan (Diva's last chevalier) asked Saya to kill him and she did, Haji came behind her and hugged her, and she screamed and started to sob when she looked down at Diva's stoney, cracked body. She really didn't want to kill Diva after all and I guess I had known that too (even I was crying, it's the freakin saddest thing!!). Anyway, at the end of the episode, Diva's twin baby girls hatched and Saya was imagining how nice it would have been for Diva and the babies to be together. But Saya has always been resolved to kill of the Kyropterin race, even by killing herself after it was all over (She did make Haji promise to kill her at the end). Kai came in injured and Saya admitted the truth about having to die. She was just about to kill the babies...but I don't think she will. Killing her own sister was too much already. I think everyone now wishes Diva didn't have to die, and we should be sorry for her. She'll never get to have the family she wanted. Anyway, from left to right- Diva and then Saya.